I’ll admit it, I love to be right. Nothing compares to the rush of knowing the correct answer to a question or problem. This traces directly to my being an awkward bespectacled girl in a small town, where everyone knew your business. With little chance of being popular, I sank my energy into the pursuit of knowledge. Of the thirty some kids in my grade school classes I was the girl with the highest grades; matching those of the smartest boy. My brain never seemed to shut off, and when we were given a reading assignment I would jet through it in a fraction of the allotted time and then drift off into an imagined fantasy world. I remember a particular teacher who was incensed with this behavior and constantly chided me for “daydreaming”. I caused her endless frustration because when she quizzed me on the reading assignments I could always produce the right answer. Perhaps she took it personally that one of her best students found the class incredibly boring; because after a few of these episodes I was usually overlooked, no matter how frantically I waved my hand. I’ve read studies proclaiming that boys get called on a significantly higher amount than girls. I found this to be true in my schooling, and it motivated me to compete with the boys in order to upstage them with my better grades.
I don’t believe much has changed since I was that annoying, nerdy know-it-all in fourth grade. The hard part is to accept that I am not always right, and that I don’t have to be. This rang true when I recently told my friend Christy that she should try all natural Stevia to sweeten her coffee because the sucralose in Splenda is a chlorocarbon just like some pesticides, and that the manufacturer claims of its safety are highly controversial. To this statement, her husband nodded in agreement, as he had been trying to convince her of the same. Her answer? “But you are the one who convinced me that Splenda was the best, because it was made from real sugar. I just bought a huge bag of it the other day. I told Chris that it couldn’t be true because Roxy is always right.” Ooops! I had my words for breakfast that day, and the Stevia didn’t help to sweeten them at all. I had to admit that I had been fooled by slick corporate advertising and had promoted an alternative to Aspartame (which I also believe is terrible for the body) without doing thorough research. Of course, when I was introduced to Splenda the information wasn’t so readily available as it is today. I explained that my promotion of Splenda was in my pre-conspiracy theorist days.
Everyone who knows me will testify that I am a devout student of human nature. I have reason to believe that my primary job on this planet is to observe and understand the behavior of my fellow co-inhabitants. Understanding is an active pursuit and requires practice. I once considered becoming a psychologist, but opted for the armchair instead. Despite my lack of proper education and my rate of fallibility, people still choose to confide in me and ask my advice.
The past few weeks have been especially intense for most of the people in my life. Thus, I’ve been fast and loose with my amateur psychology. These conversations have given me a chance to congeal my philosophy about the pitfalls of having to be right. By nature of the definition of conflict, both parties believe themselves to be right. Our tendency is to enforce our belief or opinion upon the other party. We think that if we could only just get them to do what we want, then things would be fine. Although this may be true, it is most unlikely to happen. If we truly desire a positive outcome, then all parties must be satisfied. This cannot be the case if we are attempting to force others to behave in a manner inconsistent with their viewpoint. The key to harmony is bringing the viewpoints together. It is often possible to bring another person around to your way of thinking, or at least to a reasonable compromise; but you must be willing to do something that most of us find excruciatingly difficult: Abandon the quest to be right.
Sounds crazy, I know. You may ask “How in the world can I be happy if I am willing to denounce my convictions?” And I pose the question “How in the world can you be happy if you subjugate those who contribute to your own happiness?” Vindication is cold comfort. The good news is that there are ways to help others be right without being wrong yourself. This is the “Win/Win” situation that Stephen R. Covey describes in his book “7Habits of Highly Effective People.” Here’s how it works, in a nutshell: People have an intense need to be heard and understood. We get so wrapped up in the pursuit of fulfilling this desire that we often overlook that others have this same need. Winning by forcing your wishes upon the other party precludes that they must lose. When they lose, you lose by default. Therefore you have defeated the purpose by insisting upon being right. However, if you refrain and allow the other to express themselves, you may very well find out that they were clinging to their concept for the same reasons you were yours. You may also learn something that causes your previously held convictions to change. The sheer act of honestly listening and caring about the other person’s feelings can often resolve a seemingly irreversible conflict.
Here is an excerpt from the Quick MBA website:
Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood
First seek to understand the other person, and only then try to be understood. Stephen Covey presents this habit as the most important principle of interpersonal relations. Effective listening is not simply echoing what the other person has said through the lens of one’s own experience. Rather, it is putting oneself in the perspective of the other person, listening empathically for both feeling and meaning.
This article by the Conflict Research Consortium, University of Colorado, USA gives a good description of Active or Empathic Listening, with links to examples. I believe that everyone can benefit from this technique.
Let’s all swap moccasins and take a stroll.
Peace and happiness to all of you.
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