My Dress Rehearsal

3 09 2009

I knew I was in trouble when I received this fortune cookie with last week’s indulgence of Chinese take out.

Failure

Chinese take out is bad for you and this week just proves it.

Writing has long been my favorite form of therapy; and (unfortunately for my readers) I have readers. Otherwise, I would scribble this stuff down in a notebook and tuck it away in some dark corner.

But paper notebooks don’t upload pictures, and I have pictures. I am reminded (by that annoying voice in my head) that every cloud has a silver lining. I am taking this post to review my most recent clouds and get busy looking for the linings.

These are in no particular order, except the most depressing part at the end because I don’t want to give you bum-out whiplash.

Cloud #1: Root knot nematodes

Nematodes

The name sounds like I’m talking about cartoon characters, doesn’t it? And these bulbous root growths I discovered when unearthing a tomato plant even look like something you’d see on Adult Swim. But, trust me, there is nothing funny about these little monsters! I thought the caterpillars were annoying, but they have nothing on these microscopic beasts.

I was digging up the expired plants in my garden beds in preparation to infuse my soil with a nice helping of composted road apples (that’s horse manure to you city folk), when I discovered my worst gardening nightmare. Up to this point my gardening woes have ranged somewhere between moderate annoyances and fascinating learning experiences. Mother Nature has upped the ante’ and bestowed upon me the wormy devils of the horticultural world: Root Knot Nematodes! I won’t bore you with the details of their biology, but if you are interested, you can go to The University of Florida IFAS Extension and learn all about them.

“Why are these tiny roundworms such a scourge?” you might ask. Because there is nothing on the market to kill  them. Right away I had a brainstorm and hopped online to see if it had been done. The idea was “Maybe I can cook these little suckers out of my soil with boiling water”. Lo and behold, this is the oldest treatment in the book, and one of the most effective. If one can saturate the soil with hot water, the nematodes will die. Manure also helps to deter them, but we’ll get to that in a moment.

So, off I went to grab the propane boiler, which I set up next to the Oasis and prepared to douse my soil with boiling water. Since my garden is divided up into various containers, I figured that I could get a good kill on in the empty sections and boil off each adjacent area as the plants died off. This all seemed like a great idea until I went to get the propane tank.

Cloud #2: Project aborted due to empty propane tank

Soil-Project

The fact that this rusty old tank is empty might actually be a silver lining, since AJ was certain it would rust through and blow us out of the park the next time it was lit.

Propane-Tank

Cloud #3: No Horse Manure

No picture needed for this one. Just look around you. If you don’t see horse manure, that’s what it looks like here, too. If you do see horse manure, please call me. I’ll be right over to pick it up!

I’m sure that were you to consult my astral chart for this week you would discover that my planet of communication is transiting the house of the planet where chainsaw exhibitions and tractor pulls take place.

I found a pile of horse manure for the taking by placing an ad on craigslist.org. Turns out it was available, but only if I could swoop in with a bobcat and get it without causing inconvenience to the owner. I made attempts to put together a horse manure party by organizing a group of people to come take it all at once. That didn’t work. Next, I suggested to the owner that Mike (my boss/friend/sometimes-nemesis) and I could come with two pickups and a trailer to get it. The email replies ceased at that time, so I guess the answer was “No”.

I’ve suffered a week-long inability to communicate properly (especially in writing). I have managed to unintentionally confuse, piss-off and annoy a good handful of people, one result of which being that I have no free fertilizer for my garden.

Cloud #4: Spaced Out Keyboard

Keyboard

Literally. The space bar has broken and constantly gets stuck in the down position. This causes the cursor to run off faster than Karl Rove from a congressional subpoena. Once I chase it down and start backing up, I end up deleting some of the characters of the previous word.

AJ tried to fix it by banging down real hard with his fist and then whacking the keyboard on the desk. I am officially starting a list of things that AJ can’t fix. So far, this is the first and only. Taking a more creative (and less hostile) approach, I popped out the space bar and taped the little springy wire part back in place with some pretty blue electrical tape. Now the cursor only bolts every once in a while. The silver lining here is that it helps me self-edit by reminding me that every superfluous word brings me that much closer to the next unsolicited space.

Cloud #5: Dropped Green Peppers

Giant-Bells

This one isn’t quite so bad. My amazing volunteer green pepper plants have been manufacturing some promisingly giant peppers. We have been watching and watering in anticipation of picking a bunch once they get really big and making a big batch of stuffed peppers.

This morning we discovered that the branch holding these two could no longer do it; and had dropped them to the ground. The silver lining is easy to find on this one. Two gorgeous, free, organic green peppers and many more maturing on the plants.

Cloud #6: My Beloved Stepmother spent the weekend in the hospital.

Judith went to the emergency room with edema and spent the weekend and all day Monday in the hospital. We have both discovered one silver lining on this one. She got a wake-up call that she needs to start taking oxygen and get back to using her CPAP machine for sleep apnea. Her heart is healthy and she can get better if she follows the doctor’s orders. She is also receiving some help at home. Still, this cloud is an especially dark one, since I live so far away and cannot afford to go up there when she needs me. She has always gone above and beyond the call of duty for a stepmother and I regret that I cannot repay her as I would like.

No picture here either, for the above mentioned reason.

There are a whole lot more little clouds, but I’m done dwelling on the bad stuff. I’m ready for the success for which I have apparently been rehearsing. I have great friends and great family, good health (mostly) and a wonderful life in comparison to so many unfortunate people in the world. With the exception of Cloud #6, my hopes are that we can all find some light humor in my misfortunes and missteps and look forward to a time when you don’t have to read so much griping from me:)

My friend and creative inspiration, Doug Havens, has invited me to collaborate on a brilliant creative project, which I hope to reveal in a future post. For now, please take a look at his wonderful imagery at “What I saw” and writing at “Who I met” and try to forget about all of my doom and gloom.





Everything is Perfect in the Universe…

21 04 2009

We left for work this morning with Chinese takeout leftovers in the refrigerator and an unopened fortune cookie on the counter top.

When we aren’t thinking about work we are usually working to improve our simple lot (in the trailer park and in life as a whole).  A while back I mentioned that we were putting it out to the Universe for free tile. Mismatched, broken, scraps of any kind, we want it.  Since it looks like we are here for a while, we have been chipping away at all of the improvements that will make our stay more pleasant. That’s mostly what this whole blog is about.

We want the tile because our concrete pad is gouged and cracked. The more we fix up everything else the more this ugly thing sticks out like a sore thumb. We have decided to cover it in a tile mosaic. AJ replied to a recent post for free tile on craigslist.org, but never got an answer. Next, he ran the route of all the local flooring stores asking them to call if they ever had scrap or leftovers. The prospects didn’t look promising, as they all told him they rarely get anything like that.

Yet today was destined to be one of those special days, brimming with abundance and generosity. AJ’s phone rang while we were working. It was one of the flooring stores calling to tell him that there was some tile beside the building for us to have. We finished our work in excitement and anticipation for the gift we were about to pick up.

Funny thing, we didn’t even have to wait that long for the goodness to begin. We provide profit enhancement services for bars and restaurants. Since we are in the business of helping the owners curb their losses, we only occasionally find ourselves on the receiving end of free booze. However, today was one of those rare days, too. Our client had gotten three free bottles of sparkling wine from his purveyor. Claiming to have no use for them (although he could have easily used them for a promotion), he gifted them to us. I told him we would celebrate thrice. One bottle for our anniversary, one bottle for AJ’s birthday and one bottle to celebrate free champagne!

$48.00 worth of Codorníu Pinot Noir Sparkling Wine. Free to us.

Free-Sparkling-Wine

We finished up our work and headed towards home. The flooring store was on the way, so we stopped in to have a look at the free tile.

There it is: JST Flooring in Sebastian, Florida.

JST-Store

The tile was stacked by the door, just as Mickie had promised.

Free-Tile

Mickie (they guy who called us) wasn’t there, but Kathy Kragh (the president) showered us with the kind of treatment one would expect when purchasing marble floors for a mansion. I was reminded of a quote by Malcom Forbes:

“You can easily judge the character of others by how they treat those who can do nothing for them or to them”

Kathy explained that they had gotten new samples for the show room and that the old ones had been destined for the dumpster. Fortunately for us (not for them), the dumpster people had not brought a new one; therefore, the tile had been stacked there the entire weekend. Upon seeing our jubilation at receiving this great gift Kathy mentioned that she had something else for us in the back, too. We followed her to the warehouse where she presented the most beautiful aqua blue and turquoise glass tiles. She explained that she shares these with school children who do mosaic projects. I felt like a kid on Christmas because we have been planning to resurface our counter top and tile the back splash with  glass tile. This was quite a bonus!

But it didn’t end there. On the way to the warehouse we stopped to look at a pile of discarded carpet pad, to temporarily replace some missing floor insulation in the Mercedes. This weekend AJ went shopping for something to serve the purpose until he can find an official replacement piece. Home Depot only sold it in large quantities, and we needed but a small piece. No sooner did we express interest in the carpet pad than Kathy insisted upon giving us a fresh piece instead of the discards; pointing out that there were potentially unlimited varieties of contamination in used carpet pad.

Thrilled with our good fortune, we headed home to get the truck and a few pounds of shrimp to show our appreciation for their generosity. Today we are three steps closer to having a more beautiful existence.

Once we returned home with our bounty, we sorted the free tile and found some nice pieces of Travertine marble mixed in with the other tile samples. I felt as though they belonged inside, although I wasn’t sure where. I brought them in and looked around. We have a tiny metal and glass end table which I have always hated because it has such a small surface. I placed a piece of large marble tile on top of the table and another, smaller piece on the lower section. The unfortunate little table has been instantly transformed into a much more beautiful and functional piece of furniture. This was an unexpected surprise, and a solution I hadn’t even considered until I was standing there with Travertine in hand. The third piece went under my potted orchid to solve a problem with water staining the carpet. Trifecta!

Travertine and glass tile.

travertine-and-glass

AJ cuts and installs the carpet pad.

AJcutpad

Prepad

Carpet-Pad

Carpet-in

Thanks Kathy and Mickie!

If you are in the market for any type of flooring, I suggest you drive right past the big box stores and head to a local gem where great service and quality still prevail.

JST Flooring is located at 915 US Highway 1 in Sebastian, FL

Phone: (772) 589-6818

Tell them that the Trailer Park Queen sent you!

Disclaimer: The freebies that we got were really a bit of a fluke, as they were switching out floor room samples and we happened to be in the right place at the right time. Do go with intention to buy and to be glad you did. Although they wouldn’t remember us, we did use them a few years back for a construction job and got wonderful service!

Although this seemed like more than enough abundance for one day, there was still more to come.

Our friend and neighbor, Ron, called to tell us that he had a fish for us. Ron and his wonderful wife Vicki live across the road from us on the lagoon. Once a commercial fisherman, Ron hasn’t lost his knack for catching pompano and other tasty fish. AJ went to visit and returned with a beautiful pompano that looked as though it had just been pulled from the water.

Pompano

AJ filleted the fish, seasoned it with olive oil, fresh garden dill and a dash of MSG-free seasoning salt. He wrapped it in a new banana leaf and splashed it with some wine given to us by our neighbor Carrie.

Pompano-Raw

Carrie won’t let us do anything for us without paying or giving wine. We refuse the money, so we are always in the wine. AJ mowed her grass this weekend, and this is what she gave him. It tastes wonderful and was perfect on the fish.

Rex-Goliath

Next, the fish went into the smoker, cooked with charcoal for approximately 40 minutes.

Fish-in-Smoker

Wow! The pompano was scrumptious! So fresh, moist and tender. Hands down, the best pompano I have ever eaten.

Thanks Ron!

Pompano Done

Oh, and that fortune cookie…I finally got around to opening it.

Fortune-Cookie